101 TTYNATEDINH: Cassian's Try
by FiresideChild
Summary: 101 Things That You're Not Allowed to Ever Do in Hogwarts List by Imaginewhirledpeas. Hogwarts is turned upside down by an annoying OC who finds a very "fun" list. Poor Snape. Warnings: EVERYTHING!


Fire: SO! This is something I've been doing for a few months now. It's a story about an incredibly annoying OC of mine who puts a certain list to the test. Thanks to Imaginewhirledpeas' for allowing me to borrow her list "101 Things That You're Not Allowed to Ever Do in Hogwarts", which by the way is fuckin' fabulous! I won nothing except Cassian, he be mine.

Warnings: Everything… Ever. Nothing is sacred. It actually was hard for me to write this sometimes.

Part The First: Or the First 20

It all began with the arrival of Cassian Getzi. The last living descendant of a powerful family of Romanian Royalty, Cassian had many foes in his homeland, most of them within the Ministry of Magic. The young wizard was brought to the school during Harry's sixth year. He'd been exiled from his homeland at the age of eleven and now at sixteen he was seeking asylum in the UK from various political enemies around Europe. He was handsome, brilliant, and a complete psycho. But it was okay, until he found the list.

The day he found it, he'd been wandering around with his Beloved Cousin Draco ™, who'd been showing him the room of requirement. He'd found it by mistake when said Beloved Cousin ™ had shoved him into a pile of papers. The list was maybe two or three pages in length, neatly written in various colors of ink. Upon the top was written "101 Things That You're Not Allowed to Ever Do In Hogwarts". Cassian's immediate reaction to reading the paper was to grin and say, "Bring it on."

1) Put post-it notes on all the furniture marking it yours.

Cassian smirked as he wrote his name neatly on the small pad of yellow paper. His hand was cramped from scrawling the same four words almost five hundred forty seven times. Yes, he HAD counted. And now, there were only three sticky notes left. The other five hundred forty seven pieces of paper were scattered through-out the corridors, classrooms, and, of course, the dorms. Laughing triumphantly, he pulled off the Post It™ and stuck it firmly to his Beloved Cousin's ™ bedpost.

"So, I'm too possessive of my belongings, am I? Too attached to the material things, eh Dray? Well, I'll show you possessive!" he cackled.

He ran out of the room leaving the simple reminder as Draco Malfoy entered the Slytherin Dormitory. The blonde student scowled at the many pieces of paper attached to every piece of furniture in the room.

"'Property of Prince Cassian'?"

2) Use post-it notes to cover your bits then come downstairs naked.

The Gryffindor common room was dead silent. The students seemed paralyzed by the sight they'd just witnessed. Hermione was the first to speak.

"I thought we'd gotten rid of the Post It Notes™." She whimpered, hands over her eyes.

"I thought we'd gotten rid of his stash of hard liquor. But, apparently, we missed some, DIDN'T WE?" screamed Ron as his eye twitched.

"How'd he make a loincloth out of sticky notes?" squeaked Neville.

3) Use a hose on the girls' stairs and play Water Park.

Minerva McGonagall nursed her head in her hands. She was standing ankle deep in water, staring at the stairway leading up to the Gryffindor Girls' Dormitory which presently had water running down it.

"How'd he get a hose up here?" pondered a Second Year.

Minerva just glared at the girl.

4) Play a game of strip hangman with the first-years.

5) Or any other years.

"Mister Getzi, it isn't acceptable to play 'strip' anything with the First Year students at this school." intoned Dumbledore as he stared at the young man in front of him.

"How about with the-", the brunette who stood there in his socks and boxers began.

"No. Not with any other years either."

"Teachers?"

"Possibly."

"Thank you."

6) Yell at Harry for taking the condoms out of your purse/bag.

Harry Potter (aka Savior of the World, Protector of the Innocent, Golden Boy, The Boy Who Lived, etc.) gaped. His friend stood in front of him, hands fisted on his hips, glaring at him venomously.

"What?" the spectacled boy asked.

"You heard me, Scarhead! Stop stealing condoms out of my bags!"

"WHAT?"

7) Then tell him to make Draco steal some from Snape.

"Make him WHAT? FROM WHO?"

"Harry, you may be the Messiah of this place, but that no excuse from poor grammar. It's 'whom' not 'who'."

8) Then make hints that the three have lewd threesomes.

Cassian grinned evilly and edged toward the door of the common room as Harry recovered. The dark haired savior shook his head and lunged at the man.

"Stand still so I can hex you, you ponce!"

9) Then say that Snape needs to use a condom so he doesn't get pregnant again.

Harry sprinted after Cassian as the gypsy boy crowed jubilantly, "Yes, Yes, Yes! It's all true! Snape got pregnant for You-Know-Who!" he rhymed incessantly.

Potter was soon joined in his chase by a certain Potions Master, who looked absolutely livid at this point.

10) Then continue saying that he and Flitwick weren't careful enough.

"I've seen London, I've seen France, Flitwick can't keep it in his underpants!" The annoying boy screamed as he ran.

At this point Snape had grabbed Cassian by the collar and was currently attempting to wring his neck, when Professor Lupin came down the hallway.

"Good god! Severus put Cassian down this instant! What is going on? Young man, what's this I hear from Harry about you running amok and-". Unfortunately, Remus Lupin didn't get to finish his sentence, as his godson kicked Snape in the shin and run off.

Needless to say, Cassian didn't come back until the house elves assured him it was safe. And even then he got detention.

11) Ask Snape if he would rub sun tan lotion on your back.

12) Then ask him if you could get a happy ending.

Professor Severus Snape considered himself a patient man, at least as patient as one could be when one taught a horde of gaggling, giggling, teenaged nitwits. But one student had become a thorn in his side of late. One two-fisted drinking, multilingual cursing, gutter-minded, self- assured brat of a student. And when said strange, annoying, and rather impossible student stopped Snape on his afternoon walk round the lake and asked him to rub sunscreen on him and then progressed into making lewd suggestions. Severus Snape decided that he did hate this boy even more than all the Marauders combined and the he would get back at this boy, no matter the consequences.

13) Install a trampoline and a fire pole so that boys can freely visit girls.

Cassian stared in wonderment at the sleek brass pole that now ran from a hole in the floor of the girl's dorm down to the common room. His eyes shone in appreciation as Harry slid from the floor above. The green eyed boy grinned wide as he came towards Cassian.

"How long do you think 'til McGonagall finds out?", Harry crowed.

"Long enough for us to hide the trampoline and the helmets." said Cassian.

14) Run from the room, screaming that you broke a nail.

Neville hide his head under his pillow as he listened to Cassian run down the winding dorm stairs. The gypsy boy was screaming again. The young man held his hand to his chest as if he were wounded in some horrid way.

Neville groaned, "Is he going to do this every time he breaks a nail?"

15) Put the moves on the Fat Lady.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were returning from the dungeons. Harry and Ron had been in detention and Hermione had deemed it her duty to scold them for talking during class.

"Honestly, you two! How do you expect to pass your N.E.W.T.S. this year if you won't listen?" She was cut off by the sounds of giggling and hushed singing. As they came around the corner they say Cassian slip through the portrait hole. When they stopped at the Fat Lady's portrait, they found her giggling and flushed, but she let them in without any trouble. When they entered the common room they found Cassian curled up in the window sill nursing a bottle of green liquid.

"Hey guys, how was dentention?" muttered Cassian.

"Ruddy awful. Snape has us cleaning the cauldrons again! Without magic!" whined Ron.

"It's really not that bad." Harry whispered to Hermione. She stared at curiously at Cassian as he took a long drink from his bottle.

"Cassian? What were you and the Fat Lady talking about that had her in such a state?"

Cassian snorted and choked on his liquor, "Shit! You saw that? I forgot the damn password again and the old bat wouldn't let me in. I didn't really have any choice. I had to flirt with her until she'd let me in! Did you know she likes Queen?"

Hermione just stared in surprise. "Queen?"

"Yeah! All I had to do was sing a few choruses of 'Fat Bottomed Girls'!"

16) Put the moves on Filch.

Draco sighed as he watched his cousin rock back and forth on a couch in the Slytherin Common Room. The dark haired boy hadn't moved since he'd sat down three hours ago. Draco sighed again and patted his cousin's shoulder.

"Oh come on, what did you expect? He's a… lonely, old, completely unhygienic, creepy, man whose only friend is a cat!"

"Well, I didn't expect him to flirt back, that's for damn sure!" Cassian cried.

17) Ask Dumbledore if the carpet matches the drapes.

It was Tuesday evening, and like every Tuesday evening Cassian found himself seated across a small round table from his good friend Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore with an old marble chess set sitting between them. In front of each of the men was a large mug of hot chocolate and a plate of cheeses and fruits and occasionally one of them would nibble at a slice of food or sip thoughtfully from a mug. They played muggle chess these quiet nights, as neither of them liked the violent wizarding version as much as one would think.

Suddenly, the quiet was broken by Cassian's voice. "Albus… there's something I have to ask."

"Ask away, dear boy."

"A few of the students have been wondering… well…" Cassian faltered and stared off into the fire. "If you were anyone else in the entire world, I could ask this NO problem, but because it's YOU... it's difficult. Does… does the carpet… you know… match the drapes?" winced the gypsy.

Albus smirked, he remembered when he'd been young and loved pranks. Sometimes he saw so much of Cassian's father in the young man before him, but this shyness all came from the boy's mother. And yet, he felt he had to lighten the mood somehow.

"To be honest, I hate carpeting. I prefer… _hardwood_."

Cassian stared and then gagged, "Dammit Albus you sick bastard, I think you just broke my mind!"

"Now you know what it feels like to be Mr. Longbottom."

18) Ask Ron if he fantasizes about Hermione.

Ronald Bilius Weasley had expected to walk quietly to the loo in the boy's dorm to brush him teeth that morning. He did NOT expect his roommate to begin asking him if he had wet dreams starring Hermione. Ron's ears went red as Cassian began explaining that it was natural for Ron to feel this way about the brunette. After all, he was a young man blossoming into his sexuality.

19) Ask Ron if he fantasizes about Harry.

"Harry's a bloke, you prancing prat!" screeched Ron.

"And your point?" replied Cassian as he raised a brow.

"You're disgusting!"

"Well, I know I do."

"SHUT UP!"

20) Or Neville.

Ron twitched as he stormed through the halls of Hogwarts, the gypsy boy following him. The weirdo wouldn't give it up. Keeping on about "how awful it must be to keep it all inside".

"What about Longbottom? Do you fancy him?" Cassian queried.

"I don't know, Getzi! Do you?" the ginger haired teen growled.

Cassian stopped and chewed his lip, "Well, he does have a rather fantastic ass!"

Ron ran screaming from the castle.

TBC….


End file.
